This chapter has ended.
The next one is just beginning.

Dear Diary,

Last night was okay. I went to work a little less sober than I should have, but no worries. It made it loads better, if that matters to anyone. Um, after work I went and picked up Steve-O, and we went to Josh's to chill for a bit. We tried to go shoot pool, but AMF was packed full of kids with dramas bigger than their egos, and everywhere else was either closed or you had to be 21 to get in. Talk about stupid. So we ended up going back to Josh's and just playing Super Smash Brothers until one o'clock. It was okay. Boring, but eh. I guess I can't complain. Oh, I txted Aaron too. It was a really random text, and it took him too long to respond, but basically, I asked if he wanted some latex gloves because I knew he was always talking about how he wished he had some gloves, and since La Gondola has box upon box, I figured I'd get him some as a sort of apology for being a douche bag lately. He didn't want them. Oh well, I guess I've got a box of latex gloves now. Maybe I should exchange them for a bigger size? I don't know. The smalls don't fit me, but I'm not too sure I want them anyway. Meh. We'll see, I suppose.

Dear Diary,

In the long run, I know what is going to happen. I know how much pain I am going to feel, how numb I will become to everything. I know I am going to be forced to start over again. I know everyone what everyone will say, how they will react. I know how it will affect me and how it will not. I know why it will happen, and I am confident in saying I know when. What I do not know is where. I do not know how long it will last. I do not know what I will say, what I will do. I do not know the extent of how it will be done, but I am confident it will.

Prove to me I am wrong, I dare you. For once, I do not want to be right on anything. I want to be wrong, wrong, WRONG. Prove it to me. Prove to me that you are different, that this will be different. Don't turn your back on me; I can't handle that, too.

Dear Diary,

"The ball is in your court." Sigh. He's right. It's not getting any better. I need to make an appointment with the doctor.

Dear Diary,

My back hurts like none other. My cat keeps eyeballing the guinea pigs which are situated behind me at the moment. Josh and Kay approve. This is good; nothing ever lasts long if they don't, that's how much their opinion alone means to me. Work was stupid. I'm officially half-retarded, according to Tom. I bought a Chai tea latte that I'm probably not going to drink. I have no more money. I told Lucas I'd pay him back tomorrow. Now I can't. Fuck.




STOP STARING AT THE PIGS.

Dear Diary,

I miss being happy. I miss wanting to wake up in the morning. I miss my friends. I miss my life before I started spiraling downward. I miss Andy. I miss John. I miss Lee. I miss Morgan. I miss Lynette. I miss Joe. I miss Zack and Jeff and Aaron and Stevie and Joanna and Jordan and Ryan and Adam and Sarah and Dylan and Josh and Kay and Rikki and everyone else I used to hangout with on a daily, even nightly basis. They may not have gotten rid of the depression, but they certainly helped me to ignore it.

I miss going to school early. I miss getting hugs. I miss being kissed. I miss being held. I miss being told I was the only thing that mattered to someone else.


But I am happy.

I'm happy for those who have finally found what they have been searching for for so long. I am happy for my friends who, after waiting and waiting, finally found someone who makes them so happy. It gives me hope, and it shows me that if I just wait long enough, someone will find me too. And that someone will make me feel like the happiest person on earth.





Or at least I can hope.

Dear Diary,

Today has been really... awkward. Not in a funny sort of way, either. More like, I wish I'd just slept in today instead of being put into the different situations that have come up thus far.

My story is coming along swimmingly. I hope to have the first chapter done later tonight. I'm thinking a Starbucks run? In Pekin, of course. I don't have enough gas to make it out to Peoria and back, and still have gas to get me to and from school and work tomorrow. Sigh.







Sometimes I start to raise my hopes for some, and I am always shown that this is a mistake.

I wish I had something to drink my mistakes away.

Dear Diary,

Tell him to stop staring at me. NOW. What the fuck. We never had a thing last year. Get that out of your head. You stalked me. I tried to get you out of my head. And now you're telling people we almost dated? GROW THE FUCK UP. Argh.

Humanity has fallen.

Dear Diary,

I stayed the night at Brett's last night because I didn't feel like going out with Jenna. Plus, she was getting drunk with her brother's wife so yeah. It would have been boring anyway. So, I walked into Brett's house after work expecting to see Preslee sitting on the couch. Instead, I was greeted by a well tipsy Tina (Brett's mom) and a nice double shot glass filled to the brim with this lovely Raspberry Di Amore. Tina says to me, "Hey! You're vegetarian! Come over here and get your fruits for the night!" I didn't realize what she was talking about until she pointed at the shot glass.

I downed it in one try.

It was amazing. Probably the best fruity drink I've had in a very long time. So, after realizing Preslee wasn't coming over (apparently he'd been fucked up on Morphine and then took five double shots of that stuff. Yeah, I'd say he was pretty toast afterwards.), Tina and I "snuck out" and went and bought another bottle. I gave her all the money I had (a whopping six bucks, but still) and she paid for the rest. We went back to the apartment and swear to God, I had at least nine more double shots. Do the math. That's 20 shots of this shit. I was feeling pretty damn good by the time midnight rolled around, let's just put it that way.

In all honesty, I haven't been really drunk in over a year, when I drank the Schnapps at Trevor's house and woke up dating Morgan. But anyway, at one point Amanda and Danielle stopped by. It was the most random thing ever, and if I hadn't texted both of them later, I'd say it was a dream. Regardless, Danielle kept going on about how she was going to remind me of this night on Monday and then they left, but not before I gave them each a hug. It's amazing how alcohol tosses away your hate for certain people.

Shortly after they left, Steve O, who I'd been texting back and forth all night, called and said he was outside. I stood up and practically fell to the door. It was quite possibly the funniest thing ever, and then trying to walk to his car... Oh man. It was insane. Did I mention I kept seeing doubles of EVERYTHING? Ha. Just for the record, I think I'm probably going to be doing it again very, VERY soon. Anyway, we went back to his house and layed out on the golf course listening to his iPod and drinking Bud Light. I'm pretty sure I spilled it at one point, because before I knew it it was gone and I don't normally drink Bud Light that much. But I guess if you're already drunk, it doesn't really matter.

There were sooo many stars out last night, too. It was ridiculous. Pretty sure every time I reopened my eyes, more stars appeared. And then, about two hours later, he's like, "What time is it?" So I check my phone, completely forgetting the time change, and am like, "What the hell? It's only 1:06." And then we remembered the time change and decided what the hell, let's go watch a movie. So we watched Feardotcom.

I forgot how stupid that movie is. Ha. I kept falling asleep, and he kept saying, "STOP FALLING ASLEEP." "I'm not..." "Yes you are. Don't lie to me." "I'm not..." "..Promise?" "Mhm..." "Fucking liar." Haha. Oh well. Shit happens, I guess. He's actually a really interesting guy. I don't know. I'm not saying I like him or anything, because I know Bekha really likes him and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize that friendship; been there done that, you know? But, eh. We're getting dinner this weekend, I guess? Ha, if he'll even still talk to me.

Blehh. It's weird. I hung out with him pretty much nonstop all weekend, thanks to the fact that Preslee pretty much ignored me whenever I was at Brett's. Nice, huh? This is why I didn't want to start liking that boy again. I think Aaron was right. I shouldn't worry about a boy right now. I have so much other things to worry about than that. But, I don't know. I guess, I'm just hoping that if I were to find a boy, he would help me get out of this funk that I'm in. Who knows, I guess.



Oh, and, on a quick side note, I dyed my hair Friday. I like it loads. Kay. That is all. Go back to jerking off or whatever it was you were doing before you indulged in this entry. Faggots.

Dear Diary,

I just got home from hanging out with Preslee, Brett, and Dara. It was nice. I missed them. We went to Sonic, then to Wal-Mart, and after that we sort of visited Bekha at Subway. It was sweet; we got free food. Thanks, fyi. They enjoyed it a lot, and I was able to get Vitamin Water. We went back to the house and just chilled in Brett's living-room. Honestly, I love doing that. Just hanging out over there and laying around. I love not wasting gas, ha. But anyway, we watched "In the Land of Women" with Meg Ryan and Adam Brody.

Preslee fell asleep.

Dara fell asleep.

Brett made fun of it.

I tried not to cry.

Hahah.





I'm realizing how hard it is to try and keep yourself from liking someone when you know their reputation with the opposite sex, and it sucks. Completely. Thankfully, tonight I'm hanging out with someone entirely different. Actually, in all honesty, I'd rather just stay at Brett's and lay with Preslee than anything, but hey. Whatever. I've got to mix it up a little bit, right? Besides, there is no way I can not hang out with Aaron and them this weekend. I didn't hang out with them hardly at all last weekend; I can't do it again this weekend. I love those kids too much.

This weekend shall be good.